V-Neck And A Cap

- Yesterday
Got dinner with my mom, then went to the Block with my sister and cousin. We didn't do much shopping since we had just been there the week before, so we basically people-watched half the time. We were sitting outside Rubio's and checking out these two super cute Mexican guys, when all of a sudden they stopped and kissed each other! I was so shocked, because they did not look gay whatsoever. And people who know me know I have a pretty good gaydar! That was pretty disappointing right there. I realized that I have a thing for guys in V-necks and caps. Not that the whole cap thing is new, but I never realized how sexy guys look in simple V-necks. Case in point: I was walking past the shoe cleaning place on my way out, and this guy in a white V-neck and red hat was looking at us as we were walking in that direction. I thought I saw him staring at me out of the corner of my eye, but I wasn't sure until I walked past and he said "Hi" to me. I was so surprised that I kept walking, lmao! Good game huh? I'm not even sure if he's cute, but his outfit was pretty damn sexy. Mike wore a V-neck and a red cap this one time I asked him out of nowhere to come see me after work. He looked so good that day, but I couldn't pinpoint the reason why. I realize now that it's because of what he was wearing. I think I may have a new fetish.

- Today
I had to work with both of my assistant managers. It was pretty intimidating; they were both keeping a close watch on me. When I got off, I was shopping around and was walking past the shoe cleaning place when one of the guys working there tried to hit on me. Instead of continuing to walk past the way I usually do, I stopped and asked "What's the name of that guy that was working here yesterday?" They were like, "Is he black, Mexican, or Asian?" and I said "He looks kind of Filipino and he was in a V-neck" and they said "Was he wearing a red hat?" and I said "Yeah" and they said "Oh that's gotta be Ronald." One of the guys working there was this white/Mexican guy who was in a V-neck and had tats. He was so adorable because he was so much more timid than the black and Mexican guys working with him. I asked them "So do they only hire cute guys here?" because I noticed most of the guys who worked there were pretty cute and the Mexican one points to the timid one and goes "Apparently not." It was so funny because the timid one started blushing and was all embarrassed. Wow I totally did not know there were two R's in embarrass. After talking to them for a while more, I went home, changed out of my clothes, and went to Kathleen's house for her mom's boyfriend's birthday party. Her mom made my day by making pho, and since Mimi was at some volunteer event, I spent three hours talking to Kathleen. I could talk to that girl for days and still have things to talk about. There's very, very few people in this world that I can do that with. I love people who I can have a conversation with, and even though we have a number of silences, none of those silences are ever awkward. I only truly like a guy when I'm completely comfortable with him, and I can only be comfortable with him if I can have a non-awkward silence with him. The family party was very relaxing, and everyone actually went home after midnight for once. Usually the people on my mom's side of the family go home super early. One of my very drunk uncles decided to walk from my aunt's house, which is on Lampson and Euclid, to his house, which is on Dale and Lampson. That's almost 4 miles! He wouldn't have gotten home until at least 3:30 in the morning if we hadn't forced him into our car, if he would have even gotten home safely at all. The crazy things drunk people attempt to do sometimes.

Failure At Relationships

5:05 a.m. and I'm wide awake. In half an hour, it's gonna be all bright outside and I'm gonna feel weird that I'm still up. I keep finding myself in this hole, no matter how hard I try to keep myself from falling into it. I'm not being emo; I just feel sad about this whole thing. You know how that cliche in everyone's About Me goes "The best thing in life is to love and be loved"? How come that never applies to me? When I'm loved, I don't love back. When I love (well, not really love, since I've never truly loved anyone), I'm not loved back. Relationships just don't work for me. I had a three year run where I jumped from relationship to relationship to relationship to relationship. The first of those four cheated on me, but it was all for the better because I came to the realization that I didn't care much about him. The next two relationships felt like love at the time, but looking back on them now, I know they weren't genuine because I was so young and obviously dumb. The fourth one was pretty rocky, but I don't regret it the way I regret all my relationships prior to the fourth one. In all those relationships, they cared about me but I didn't care enough about them to try to make it work. That was actually the reason behind why I was cheated on. After my fourth relationship, I thought I wouldn't be able to find anyone better. I noticed a pattern: I would always think the guy I was currently dating was the greatest, but the next guy I dated was ten times better than the previous, and so on. I spent the next year dating around, talking to and seeing a bunch of different guys, all the while keeping in touch with my ex. Sometimes, I would be hanging out with him and he'd be asking about why he heard that I had been chilling with some guy, but I'd just lie and tell him it was a friend. He never found out about those guys, which made him believe that I was being loyal to him and waiting until he was ready. He used to tell me to wait until we were both older and he had more money so that he could settle down and focus more on me than work. The other guys never really meant anything to me; part of me knew it was wrong, but part of me said it was okay for me to be dating other people behind my ex's back because my ex never had time for me or showed me attention. I thought the fact that I was being so patient and waiting for him would make up for me having dated 8 or 9 different guys. By dating those people, I learned to have a guard up so that I'd never catch feelings for any of them. They were supposed to just be guys who would take me out and chill with me whenever I felt like hanging out, but 6 of them actually started catching feelings. When I met Mike, everything flew out the window. My ex didn't mean anything to me anymore, and I completely blocked those other guys out from my life. They would hit me up just like they would before, asking me to hang out, but I'd tell them "No, I'm dating someone, please don't hit me up anymore." I never did that before, which made me realize that Mike was different from other guys. Before, I used to lie to my ex about ever dating anyone. One time, though, he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I actually told him yes, which was something I never thought I'd do because Dave told me before that he would never talk to me again if he found out I was with someone else, which I took seriously because his exes used to try to contact him, but they were never able to. Dave was really disappointed and told me that he thought I was waiting for him, which is why he never hooked up with or dated any other girls the whole year and a half after we broke up. I felt bad, but I was so into Mike that I got over the Dave situation pretty quickly. The reason why I got into such a long, completely-irrelevant-to-your-life story was to emphasize my point: I cared too little for those who cared about me but cared too much for those who didn't care about me. I really let my guard down with Mike. I think the reason why I liked him so much was because he showed me the affection that Dave never did; little things like holding my hand. Dave just wasn't that type of person. Mike was the first guy who didn't tell me he loved me within two weeks; in fact, we never said the L word and he never officially asked me out. But I liked so many qualities about him and, convincing myself that it could possibly be the real thing, would give him chance after chance despite the many things he fucked up on. In the end, it didn't work out, and I thought Mike would be man enough to talk to me about it, but he began avoiding me and basically did what I used to do to all the other guys: drop the relationship, run, and pretend it never happened. I know what you're thinking. Karma's a bitch. Dave has a chick that he bangs now; she really likes him and wants to be his girlfriend, but he doesn't wanna be with her. He just keeps her around because she's willing to do what he wants her to. He told me before that if I left Mike for him, he'd be the good boyfriend I know he could be. I didn't leave Mike though, and even though Mike's gone now, I wouldn't wanna get back with Dave anyways. Still, I hate myself for making such bad decisions when it comes to my love life. I thought Dave didn't care about me since he never showed me affection, but in reality, he really did love me and stayed true the entire time I was out seeing a bunch of random guys. I fucked around behind his back as he worked hard trying to save up money for a house and "our life together" in the future. I wish I hadn't done him so wrong, but it's too late to take any of that back. I'm sure he'd still get back with me if I wanted to, but sadly, I just don't have those feelings for him. Wish I did, but I don't. On the other hand, I have those feelings for someone who doesn't care half as much about me as Dave did. That fucking sucks right? I'm just hoping now that my pattern continues, and the next guy I come across is ten times better than Mike. Even though I hate the stress that comes with being in a relationship and I love being free to do whatever the hell I want to with as many different guys as I want to, I feel like I want to be in a relationship right now. I expected my relationship with Mike to last longer and become more serious, but since it was cut short, I feel incomplete without having someone there. I'm sure it's not hard to find someone who won't fuck up as many times as Mike did, but it's just hard to find someone who has all the qualifications of being my perfect guy. I want someone really good-looking, and lately, I've been more critical of who I think is hot. I don't want someone who does drugs, smokes often, or is either a promoter or heavily into the clubbing/party scene. I don't want someone who is gang-affiliated, is uneducated and lacks common sense, and drives an Asian ricer car. I want someone who is financially and mentally stable, is different from other guys, and can make me feel completely at ease with them. Most of all, I want someone who can care about me as much as I could potentially care about them. Hopefully, the person I'm looking for is out there, and when I find him, I'm gonna be the bestest, most loyalest girlfriend ever. Seriously! I could be a good girlfriend when I want to be. Sigh, I bet the one person who comes even close to meeting my requirements doesn't fit the part that says "must be really good-looking." So ironic, the way things work. 6:24 a.m. I should go to sleep now, but I'm wide awake from having thought so much.

Two-Week Recap

Omgosh, I haven't blogged in such a long time that I'm having a hard time remembering things I even did. Morning plans got canceled last second 'cause Amy remembered out of the blue that she had a dentist appointment. So since I woke up early and I don't have to get ready until later, I might as well catch up on blogging. I'm gonna use Amy's and Mimi's blogs and my Twitter to help me remember what I did.

- Sunday, June 28th
Got a load of iced mocha from 7/11, then went swimming at my uncle's house with Mimi and Amy. Some of my aunts, uncles, and cousins joined us too, but we stayed in there the longest. It was so fun! We had all these tubes and water guns to play with, and Amy would try to act all secret agent with her dumbass little yellow water gun. Her enemy? The bees. Before we swam, though, we sat on the swing under the gazebo and started talking about our future plans. We came to the realization that some other people won't even have a future. How sad, right? Well, I guess it's their own doing.

- Tuesday, June 30th
Went to Westminster Mall with Amy for a bit, went to go get crawfish with my mom, went to Fish Grill with Trang, Angela, and Raymond, and then went back to my house where homeless Amy stayed until 1 something talking her big mouth off and doing a survey.

- Wednesday, July 1st
Katie and Amy came over to swim, but my uncle's pool had a bunch of chlorine in it so we went to one of Katie's friends' pools in Bolsa instead. It was pretty cool there; there weren't any tubes and water guns to play with so we just swam back and forth. We were so hungry when we were done, and right when we were leaving Rose Garden, we saw a Mexican corn man! We each bought a corn with extra everything and went to Amy's car to eat, but then we finished it really quickly and hunted him down for seconds. The curb next to Amy's car was littered with 8 corn stumps and a kajillion dirty napkins. Disgusting. We went back to my house and watched High School Musical 3, went to eat with my mom, aunt, and cousins, went back to my house, and made rice krispies.

- Friday, July 3rd
I had an interview at the Block, but that was a bust 'cause Mimi called me right in the middle of it and I forgot to put it on silent. We went to my mom's shop in Tustin afterwards, and these 2 Indian ladies were being so freaking cheap! They came in, and my mom didn't want to do their nails because she thinks Indians smell bad and are too hairy, so she purposely said $23 instead of $20. They followed her around the whole shop, even when she went to the back, saying that they were sure it was $20 and that my mom should call her co-worker to check that it's only $20. Wtf cheapasses! It's only a $6 difference! Do you want your damn mani and pedi or what. One of the ladies had a really cute son though. He talked so much for a little kid and wanted my mom to paint his toenails, so she did, but he got yelled at by his dad 'cause his dad was afraid he's turn gay. After my mom closed, we went to La Palma to get food at Little Elephant, then Mimi and I went to Katie's house. Tam was there, and we just chilled for a bit because Katie was crying on the phone. I don't know why, but yeah. After she was done, we went to make Mexican corn. Yummm. I got home around 12, and it was too early to sleep, so I decided to watch A Moment To Remember. It was a Korean drama about a girl who got Alzheimer's but her husband loved her through it. I know it's like every other Korean movie and it's similar to The Notebook, but the way they directed the movie made me cry so much! Mimi came in right at the saddest part, and I was trying so hard not to cry with her laughing, which made me cry even harder. Ugh, such a sad movie! And I found out from it that Alzheimer's is genetic. My grandma has Alzheimer's, my aunt is starting to have it... Does that mean I'm gonna get it too?

- Saturday, July 4th
Didn't see Mike today because my mom was home. Had a family barbecue at my uncle's house, and I was in such a bad mood at first 'cause my teacher cousin was trying to discourage me from going to USC. I have no idea why he's so against it because he was trying to tell me to choose UCLA over USC at first. I didn't really have a problem against that, until he said that I should choose UCI over both of them! I was like... What the fuck. Why would I do such a thing. And then he tried to tell me to be a pharmacist instead of a family doctor because there's too many family doctors out there. Are you kidding me!? Do you know how many people are gonna be pharmacists because it's the easy way out to make bank!? I ignored him for the rest of the day and just chilled with Kathleen and her mom and the rest of my relatives. My gangster uncle's daughter is so fucking annoying. Seriously. Get a fucking personality before I slap some personality into you. And don't look away when my dad's talking to you bitch. The only reason why I'm not mean to her is because my uncle loves her so damn much and I love him, so being a bitch to her is out of the question. A lot of my uncle's neighbors were shooting up illegal fireworks, so that was really fun. We climbed on his brick wall to watch the Disneyland fireworks, then we went out to the streets to light up our fireworks. Yay, so fun!

- Monday, July 6th
Chilled at Kathleen's house, went out to eat with my mom and aunt, and visited my grandpa at Kindred Hospital. It was so sad when we were saying hi to him because he wanted to talk but couldn't, so he was kind of crying. We had to leave when he threw up, so we went back to Kathleen's house and watched The Bachelorette, then I went home and watched Cake Boss. My two new favorite shows.

- Tuesday, July 7th
Woke up and watched the first half of the Michael Jackson memorial. Wow, star-studded event or what? Mike got off work a lot earlier than I thought he did, so I rushed to get ready and he picked me up around 1:30. We went to the Block and got Twin Dragon, but like everything else we ever order, we wasted a lot of the food. Homeless people should just follow us around whenever we go eat because we never finish anything. I went to Ecko to talk to the manager, then we went to AMC to watch Transformers 2. It was pretty good; we both liked the first one more though. The whole time I was watching it, I kept wondering how they made those robots and incorporated them into the movie in such a way that it looks real. I searched up the answer on Google but didn't really understand it. Anyways, we got Jamba Juice and hung out for a while more, then I went home in time to catch America's Got Talent.

- Wednesday, July 8th
I got my AP Exam results, and they were so much better than I expected. My heart sank when Amy told me they came in already, and these were my predictions before I opened the envelope: 4 for APUSH, 2 or 3 for Biology, 3 for Calculus, 4 or 5 for English. I actually got 5 for APUSH, 4 for Biology, 5 for Calculus, and 5 for English. Wow, Calculus scale must have been easy as hell because I know I completely bombed the FRQs.

- Thursday, July 9th
Went Quaker Gardens for a little interview and tour with Amy. We got our TB shots too; I was so nervous at first, but the shot didn't hurt at all. The HPV shots have scarred me for life. I think every shot is gonna hurt as much as Guardisil now. We went to Jamba Juice afterwards, where some lady stole our power drinks, lmao! So sly. Went back to my house, Mimi came home, we went to eat with my mom, went back home and saw some websites featuring obese women who actually got laid, went to Rite Aid where Mimi and Amy got free ice cream, and then went to Coldstone's.

- Friday, July 10th
Shopped at the Block after dinner. I got earrings, jeans, sunglasses, panties, and pencil skirt. Went home and was talking to Mike when something that I don't remember happened and he started tripping again. I got really mad that he was accusing me of dumb shit again when he promised not to, so I called him stupid and said he should go to school. He got really mad in turn and said that I crossed the line by attacking him as an individual, which I realized I did and apologized. Got no answer back though.

- Saturday, July 11th
The original plans were that my sister would hang out with us, and Mike would take us to Hooter's, Downtown Disney, and then Khang's birthday. But he still wasn't answering me in the morning, which really pissed me off because he could have simply replied "No" when I asked him if he was coming. Ugh, put me in such a bad mood. Went to Quakers to check my TB shot but the receptionist wasn't there, so Kody and Giselle picked us up and went to go pick up Minh too. Lots of catching up in the car; the whole group pretty much broke up and everyone went their separate ways. Got to Khang's brother's house where the party was, and when I walked out of the restroom, someone was like "Myha's bring Amandababy!" And all the guys were like "Nooooooo" with these disgusted looks on their faces and it was the funniest shit ever! Luckily for them, Myha came alone. We went to the backyard to get food and bbq, but Mimi and I left after a couple hours. Rocky took us to Quakers to get my TB shot checked. Turns out I was negative, but the nurses really freaked me out because the black one saw my shot and was like "Omg, that's horrible" and the Asian one goes "I've seen worst." I got scared and started saying "Huh? What?" But the Asian one explained they were just really surprised that I had absolutely no reaction at all.

- Sunday, July 12th
Got in a fight with Mimi over I don't even remember what, but it wasn't really a fight because my dad kept trying to break us up. I felt really bad though because I was so angry that I started hitting him, so he would push me and grab onto my arms so hard that I have scratches and bruises all over. My aunt and Kathleen came over to eat this really yummy thing that my dad made, and basically Mimi and I started talking again. It's really weird how sisters are; no matter how much we fight, we'll basically start talking again a couple hours later. Makes me think back to the Cheaters I watched the night before, where this guy cheated on his wife with her sister, and they were fighting like crazy at the confrontation. Wonder if they'll forgive each other anytime soon.

- Monday, July 13th
I was supposed to go to Soak City with Katie but didn't, so out of nowhere my dad suggested going to Morongo to "get shoes" for him but I knew all he wanted to do was gamble. We super lagged it while waiting for my loud aunt to come, then we picked up Kathleen before we left Garden Grove at 5:30. Got to Cabazon and the Desert Hills Premium Outlets place at 7 and shopped around for a bit. I got so tired though because I hadn't eaten anything since the morning, so we all went to get Thai Orchid about 8 miles away. We bought so much food, and we actually finished it all! That's how hungry we were. We went back to Morongo, where my dad, aunt, and mom went to the slot machines. Of course, they lost all their money. Mimi, Kathleen, and I just hung out around the casino, eating overly-priced muffins and drinking under-priced margaritas. We left around 11:30 and tried to stay awake by naming all 50 states. I lost count the first time around, so the second time Mimi wrote down the states. At the end, we came up with 46 and were really stumped, but I thought back to APUSH and came up with Missouri and Maryland. I asked my dad what state Baltimore was in, and he said Connecticut, which was the one state that I would've seriously never came up with. Baltimore is actually in Maryland, by the way. I just searched it up right now. We were racking our minds for the last one and I was like "Wouldn't it suck if we actually got all the states but Mimi just forgot to write one down?" That's what happened; she forgot to write down Illinois, that asshole. Dropped off Kathleen, and when I got in the house, I couldn't sleep anymore even though I was so sleepy in the car, so I ended up staying awake until 5:30.

- Tuesday, July 14th
It was our 4 months, and we were supposed to hang out and get each other gifts, but we didn't do any of that since he hadn't tried to contact me since Friday night. I got woken up at 10:30 because Eddie from Ecko wanted me to get a work permit and everything so I could start working the next day. I went to Rancho to get the work permit, then my mom took me to Ecko so Eddie could sign it. We made a quick stop at Downtown Disney so I could get some foundation from Sephora. It was so hot; I don't know how people can actually last a day at Disneyland. I definitely want to go to Disneyland sometime again, but remind me to go on a day that's much cooler.

- Wednesday, July 15th
First day at work was pretty cool. I closed with Terrence, one of my assistant managers. He's super funny and was talking about how Filipino guys are insecure and make the worst boyfriends ever. He's Filipino himself! Much of what he said was true; at 26 years old, he's been there and done that, so he pretty much has a lot of insight on life and relationships. Working with him should be interesting.