Failure At Relationships

5:05 a.m. and I'm wide awake. In half an hour, it's gonna be all bright outside and I'm gonna feel weird that I'm still up. I keep finding myself in this hole, no matter how hard I try to keep myself from falling into it. I'm not being emo; I just feel sad about this whole thing. You know how that cliche in everyone's About Me goes "The best thing in life is to love and be loved"? How come that never applies to me? When I'm loved, I don't love back. When I love (well, not really love, since I've never truly loved anyone), I'm not loved back. Relationships just don't work for me. I had a three year run where I jumped from relationship to relationship to relationship to relationship. The first of those four cheated on me, but it was all for the better because I came to the realization that I didn't care much about him. The next two relationships felt like love at the time, but looking back on them now, I know they weren't genuine because I was so young and obviously dumb. The fourth one was pretty rocky, but I don't regret it the way I regret all my relationships prior to the fourth one. In all those relationships, they cared about me but I didn't care enough about them to try to make it work. That was actually the reason behind why I was cheated on. After my fourth relationship, I thought I wouldn't be able to find anyone better. I noticed a pattern: I would always think the guy I was currently dating was the greatest, but the next guy I dated was ten times better than the previous, and so on. I spent the next year dating around, talking to and seeing a bunch of different guys, all the while keeping in touch with my ex. Sometimes, I would be hanging out with him and he'd be asking about why he heard that I had been chilling with some guy, but I'd just lie and tell him it was a friend. He never found out about those guys, which made him believe that I was being loyal to him and waiting until he was ready. He used to tell me to wait until we were both older and he had more money so that he could settle down and focus more on me than work. The other guys never really meant anything to me; part of me knew it was wrong, but part of me said it was okay for me to be dating other people behind my ex's back because my ex never had time for me or showed me attention. I thought the fact that I was being so patient and waiting for him would make up for me having dated 8 or 9 different guys. By dating those people, I learned to have a guard up so that I'd never catch feelings for any of them. They were supposed to just be guys who would take me out and chill with me whenever I felt like hanging out, but 6 of them actually started catching feelings. When I met Mike, everything flew out the window. My ex didn't mean anything to me anymore, and I completely blocked those other guys out from my life. They would hit me up just like they would before, asking me to hang out, but I'd tell them "No, I'm dating someone, please don't hit me up anymore." I never did that before, which made me realize that Mike was different from other guys. Before, I used to lie to my ex about ever dating anyone. One time, though, he asked me if I was seeing anyone. I actually told him yes, which was something I never thought I'd do because Dave told me before that he would never talk to me again if he found out I was with someone else, which I took seriously because his exes used to try to contact him, but they were never able to. Dave was really disappointed and told me that he thought I was waiting for him, which is why he never hooked up with or dated any other girls the whole year and a half after we broke up. I felt bad, but I was so into Mike that I got over the Dave situation pretty quickly. The reason why I got into such a long, completely-irrelevant-to-your-life story was to emphasize my point: I cared too little for those who cared about me but cared too much for those who didn't care about me. I really let my guard down with Mike. I think the reason why I liked him so much was because he showed me the affection that Dave never did; little things like holding my hand. Dave just wasn't that type of person. Mike was the first guy who didn't tell me he loved me within two weeks; in fact, we never said the L word and he never officially asked me out. But I liked so many qualities about him and, convincing myself that it could possibly be the real thing, would give him chance after chance despite the many things he fucked up on. In the end, it didn't work out, and I thought Mike would be man enough to talk to me about it, but he began avoiding me and basically did what I used to do to all the other guys: drop the relationship, run, and pretend it never happened. I know what you're thinking. Karma's a bitch. Dave has a chick that he bangs now; she really likes him and wants to be his girlfriend, but he doesn't wanna be with her. He just keeps her around because she's willing to do what he wants her to. He told me before that if I left Mike for him, he'd be the good boyfriend I know he could be. I didn't leave Mike though, and even though Mike's gone now, I wouldn't wanna get back with Dave anyways. Still, I hate myself for making such bad decisions when it comes to my love life. I thought Dave didn't care about me since he never showed me affection, but in reality, he really did love me and stayed true the entire time I was out seeing a bunch of random guys. I fucked around behind his back as he worked hard trying to save up money for a house and "our life together" in the future. I wish I hadn't done him so wrong, but it's too late to take any of that back. I'm sure he'd still get back with me if I wanted to, but sadly, I just don't have those feelings for him. Wish I did, but I don't. On the other hand, I have those feelings for someone who doesn't care half as much about me as Dave did. That fucking sucks right? I'm just hoping now that my pattern continues, and the next guy I come across is ten times better than Mike. Even though I hate the stress that comes with being in a relationship and I love being free to do whatever the hell I want to with as many different guys as I want to, I feel like I want to be in a relationship right now. I expected my relationship with Mike to last longer and become more serious, but since it was cut short, I feel incomplete without having someone there. I'm sure it's not hard to find someone who won't fuck up as many times as Mike did, but it's just hard to find someone who has all the qualifications of being my perfect guy. I want someone really good-looking, and lately, I've been more critical of who I think is hot. I don't want someone who does drugs, smokes often, or is either a promoter or heavily into the clubbing/party scene. I don't want someone who is gang-affiliated, is uneducated and lacks common sense, and drives an Asian ricer car. I want someone who is financially and mentally stable, is different from other guys, and can make me feel completely at ease with them. Most of all, I want someone who can care about me as much as I could potentially care about them. Hopefully, the person I'm looking for is out there, and when I find him, I'm gonna be the bestest, most loyalest girlfriend ever. Seriously! I could be a good girlfriend when I want to be. Sigh, I bet the one person who comes even close to meeting my requirements doesn't fit the part that says "must be really good-looking." So ironic, the way things work. 6:24 a.m. I should go to sleep now, but I'm wide awake from having thought so much.